GOOD NIGHT :)

For the Soul

In sleep
the soul is freed from the demons
that chain him
to the world
which is the void
in the lives of all humanity

It is in sleep
that man can
for one second
catch a glimpse
of the abounding presence of hope

That what we know of as
the darkness that envelopes one in sleep
is actually the light
to the inner sanctum
where we can be truly free

For it is in our dreams
that we are found;
In waking hours
when we are lost;
but
it really is
in our sleep
that we are saved.

A Butterfly by Choice

The journey toward self-discovery is not exactly the bed of roses one would think it is. Sometimes, you realize things about yourself which are not what you expected- and you find yourself lost, uncertain and vulnerable. Other times you feel like a monster stares you back in the face in the mirror, and you want to break the mirror into small pieces. After such ordeal, you feel exhausted, as if you've aged a thousand years. You feel weary as you recall things that were said and particularly you cringe at the things you know were true.

It is impossible to look forward without taking into consideration what happened in the past. To become a new person or to improve an existing personality, one must always have an understanding about who he or she was in the past. It is the only way one can right the wrongs of the past- by setting an internal alarm clock everytime one feels that the past is about to unravel itself again.

Yet, is this even possible? People say that you are what you are, that if you are born with a tail behind your legs, cutting it off will not entirely remove the tail. We cannot remove ourselves from what we are born to be and what we have grown to be, I agree.

Let me digress for a moment and talk about one of my all time favorite stories- Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus. This is a story that talks about two caterpillars Stripe and Yellow and their life as caterpillars. To them, life is all about climbing the "caterpillar pillar" along with other caterpillars in the quest of getting on top. Since all caterpillars make that journey, you can imagine how the caterpillars fight one another to get to the top- only to attain nothing. But true caterpillars must surrender to the cocoon in order to really fly. Thus, Stripe and Yellow made the choice to be cocooned, in which after a period of time, they emerged from the cocoon as beautiful butterflies.

I believe we are all born to be caterpillars- but not for us to remain caterpillars forever. The time must eventually come for us to choose whether we are content to be mere caterpillars forever or decide to surrender into the cocoon where we will undergo a transformation into being butterflies for the rest of our lives.

I choose to be a butterfly, like Stripe and Yellow.

This is why right now, at this very moment, I just need to pause, get my bearings together, close my eyes, take a deep breath, pray for a moment-

and surrender myself to the cocoon.

Moses and Me

While I was studying at AIM, we had a creative workshop/ session wherein we had to create a symbol out of our business to be able to understand it more. At first, I was confused... I mean, what could I use to symbolize my business??? Suddenly, I got an image of Moses, and from there- the ideas just seemed to flow....

-o-o-o-

I chose the biblical story of Moses to illustrate my business, the logic of it, as well as the key players and stakeholders.

Moses was an ordinary man when God called Him to deliver his people into the Promised Land. It was God’s special plan for Moses and was a “calling” which Moses could not turn his back on. Moses in fact, was a reluctant prophet. Yet it was because of his faithfulness in God and his leadership qualities that made him a unique person in the Old Testament. In the same way, I feel that I am a mere struggling entrepreneur (or at the very least the daughter of one) whose calling in this world is to serve. My line of business is microfinance, and I know that it carries a product that is far from unique. However, it is who I am and where I came from that makes me different from the many existing microfinance practitioners. It is in my delivery where I am different, as well as in my long term vision.

Going back to the story of Moses, we saw how God’s plan for him was to deliver the Israelites (who were then slaves in Egypt) into the Promised Land. In my case, I feel that the Israelites are my clients and beneficiaries (the entrepreneurial poor). My vision of transforming them into partners of economic development is practiced by my way of serving them, by giving them financial assistance, free training and development, as well as enterprise development support services.

In the case of Moses, he was called and advised by the “burning bush”. My “burning bushes” are my motivators and mentors. These are the people who continuously guide and mentor me, such as my dad, mom, training team, as well as professors at AIM.

The “Golden Calf” symbolizes those lenders who I consider competitors and plagues to my clients. In the story of Moses, the Israelites adhered to a golden calf and worshipped it falsely by paying homage. In my business, I see the personification of the golden calf in the informal lenders like the “turkos”, “bombays” and the like whose true intention of luring clients to their side is plainly for monetary profit at exorbitant rates. These are people who have no inclination toward serving the poor and aiding them in their plight at the lowest rungs of the economic ladder.

Since I am to make a “model” MicroFinance program, this “model” in Moses’ story is carved out on the stone tablets which contained the Ten Commandments. The model that I am expecting to come up with will contain its own “ten commandments” on how to conduct the specialized programs to be replicated in the other branches.

Moses was not alone in his journey. He had people like Aaron and later on Joshua aid him in his undertaking. The “Aarons” and “Joshuas” in my context are the businessmen who I am tapping to help me along the way. These are people who I aim to involve in my journey to that Promised Land.

In the biblical narrative, Moses was beset with more than enough challenges and hurdles. He was continuously chased by the Egyptians and was faced with the challenge of crossing the Red Sea. These represent the hurdles, trials and challenges which I know have yet to come my way. However, I know that my greatest hurdle and enemy would not simply be running along these lines. Such cuts deeper into the internal core of the very people I am determined to serve and empower. The greatest hurdle and enemy Moses encountered in his journey were the Israelites themselves. Many times along the way, the Israelites became disillusioned, lost hope and bitterly wanted to go back to Egypt and claim their lives as slaves once more. Our program was designed for the poor, so that in time, they may rise from their levels and become active participants in the economic development in Mindanao. However, a foreseen enemy lurks in the attitude of the very clients we are serving. Having gotten used to the poverty where they are situated, their mindset and attitude would be difficult to alter. The “Promised Land” is what our company may envision for them, but may not be what they envision and want for themselves at this point. Convincing them to make the journey (or the “exodus”) with us will be a challenge, albeit a very fruitful and fulfilling one.

This “Promised Land” is where I want my clients and partners to be in five years, as the realization of my banner objective. Moses was never able to reach the Promised Land. I believe that the same fate awaits my company in that sense. Unlike Moses, we will be able to catch a glimpse and initially set foot there. However, like Moses, I know that our company can never really fully entrench ourselves in that situation because we will always have to keep looking for potential Israelites and Aarons to take to the Promised Land. It would be our “service” to shuttle them back and forth and help these two groups of people develop a bond and connection along the way.

In the Promised Land, “manna” fell down from the heavens, in the same way that much wealth awaits the stakeholders (clients, businesses and our company) in my business at our arrival at our very own Promised Land. More than worldly wealth is the wealth knowing that we have found fulfillment as people with set goals and ambitions of their own. For the poor, they will be empowered and inspired to continue uplifting their status in society. For the businessmen, they will realize the true fulfillment of their business in their undertaking of their corporate social responsibility. Finally, for me and our company, we will have found self-actualization and fulfillment in the knowledge that we have completed our journey, and served well. Moreover is the knowledge that there are so many “Israelites”, “Aarons” and “Joshuas” out there, as our journey begins and ends over and over again.

This model makes strategic planning a clearer undertaking for me and my company. For instance, now, I have to find a way of packaging myself and my product to make it more attractive and enticing to our clients and altering their current mindsets and values. At present, I need to identify what exactly the Red Sea is in my business and like Moses, how do I “part” that Red Sea? Also, it is helpful for me to identify the “Aarons” and the “Joshuas” of my business, and be wary of those whose inclinations are entirely different from the vision, mission and objectives of the program. Most importantly, I know that I will have to look closely into myself and our company and strive to be like Moses in all that he was, in all that he did and in all that he was born to be.

The Theory of Relativity

What makes a theory a theory and not a fact? Is it because theories have to go through a “testing period” before being elevated into the fact status? If this is so, what then differentiates a theory given this definition, from a hypothesis in a scientific equation? A theory is perhaps, one that has to be subjected to various stages of “proofs” which can hold true at any given time. In short- theories are theories because they help give accurate (sometimes bordering on the crazy) definitions to what could be certain universal and material truths.

I cannot claim to know all the answers to these questions I posted- but I asked them nonetheless to introduce a very popular yet perhaps one of the most taken forgranted theories in this world- which is Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

Blame Denzell for introducing me to such a bizarre topic during a conversation on one of our long (15 minute) walks (during the days we opted not to bike) from our classroom at BLCU to our apartment complex in Beijing. At that time, I was a bit confused with the terms that he used, but what I remember was what he said about how time was not absolute, and that Einstein’s theory actually stated that time was “slower” from the perspective of moving objects and “faster” for still objects. He digressed further by posing a question as confusing as that statement- that for example if I were in a car and he was outside, was I in fact in motion by being in the car, or was it actually him who was moving from the car?

There are many many ways to relate this theory with the workings of the physical world. Take for example, how man’s movements as corresponding to how the Earth rotates on its axis can serve as an illustration of how time can seem “slower” in relation to the man in motion. Or simply put, one can also say that time seems “slower” for the man who does 10 tasks in 10 minutes as opposed to a man who does 1 task given the same number of minutes. This theory can also be related to food- in explaining why mold grows on bread after a number of days, or how food expires and spoils after being left uneaten after a period of time. In this case, time becomes the life sentence, and with every tick tock of the clock- the end comes faster to people who don’t move. Say I stand in the middle of the highway and a moving car hurtles itself into me. From my perspective, the approaching car becomes faster as it approaches and as it comes nearer, but for the car, it’s like moving in slow motion. And as it hits me, the car will continue to move while I am on the roadside- dead, or at the very least gasping for my last breath. However, if at the very last second, I jump away from the path of the oncoming car, my “movement” has caused me to have more time to live, thus making time “slow down” for me.

(Warning: Do not try for experimental purposes, this could be hazardous to your health and sanity.)

The theory can be explored in many ways- that is where its beauty and profundity lie. There are many ways in which man can link and relate this theory to anything they can think of. I'd like to explore the life cycle and aging process. It’s startling to realize how the theory of relativity has silently worked its way up to the unconscious minds of people and manifest itself in the way men speak of age and time. Wise men say: “Don’t let time pass you by without you making a difference in the world”. “Time passing you by” connotes being still and letting time overtake you thus illustrating how time and opportunity can actually pass you by if you refuse to take action with your life. Women have a biological clock inside them that dictates when the opportunity to bear children expires. Why are women hasty to marry and have children before they menopause? Simply because if they don’t do so- time will catch up to them and literally “kill” their chances of having kids. There are also people who feel that they are the same person today as when they were kids, indicative of how they only feel they have ages after they have looked at pictures of themselves from eons and eons of years ago.

Is time then greater than all of us? And if so, who controls it? Why does man often feel that there is simply not enough time for him to make a mark in the world, to see all the things he wants to see, or to achieve such heights of successes? During class reunions, people always say how “Time flies”- but is this indeed true? Or have we just been irresponsible about how we manage the passage of time?

What then is the great Einstein trying to tell all of us? For sure, it is not that we have control of time itself- for even Einstein recognizes that there are certain elements in the world which cannot be included in the formula for his theory or be subjected to the natural laws of the world- such as the presence of light.

On the surface, yes, we can learn from this by telling ourselves to manage our time wisely, not to waste time in making decisions, moving towards our goals, towards living a life that is well spent.

Nonetheless, at the end of it all, there is light, and in the Story of Creation- “light can overcome darkness”. Maybe at the end of it all, beneath the layers of the frizzy silver white hair of one eccentric old man’s head lies the idea that indeed there is that inexplicable light that is ever present.

There is indeed a valuable lesson for us all- a lesson on hope.

Solving the MYSTERYous Problem

If you were to ask me before what my concept of love was, I would have given a lot of emphasis on love as a “feeling” and thus given you an idea of romance. If you asked me about faith, hope, trust and other intangible things, I would have given a whole mouthful of clichés which I’ve become accustomed to hearing and reading everywhere. At present, I have come to believe that the world is made up of all these endless clichés that in the end confuse rather than direct people to the truths of the world. One might question me what these truths of the world are- but in fact are very simple, misused words. Words such as Love, Faith, Hope, Trust, Wisdom and a whole lot more are to name a few.

In my opinion, those words I mentioned are abused words in the English language. Why do I say this?

In a philosophical article written by French philosopher Gabriel Marcel, he defines the basic difference between problem and mystery. Problems are issues that people face everyday and are naturally followed by solutions. On the other hand, a mystery has no need for one. Marcel illustrates this phenomenon by way of a digging process, where one never stops digging until an answer (solution) is unearthed. The digging process is continuous and unending on the part of a mystery because through the digging process, new “faces” of a mystery is discovered, yet not complete enough to be resolved as an actual solution or answer in its totality.

My point in discussing all these is this: the words I mentioned above, LOVE, FAITH, HOPE, TRUST, WISDOM are some words which belong to the “mystery” category. Through time, different aspects and meanings of these words are revealed through us through discovery and experience, yet it is forever revealing itself to us, as we go on digging into the depths of the words themselves. There is not one meaning we can cling onto, no clear “solution”, because these are not simple “problems” which requires simple and clear “solutions”. Thus, these words become abused each and every time a person rejects the mysterious quality of the word and defines it accordingly. Don’t get me wrong, definitions are good in the sense that it gives us glimpses of the totality of what is being defined. However, in many cases, where definitions become the end all and be all of things, there is no room left for further revelations and discoveries. As such, this is when making concise definitions turn toward the negative.

In many cases, those who hold the world and the material in great importance often want everything defined. They simply cannot rest until they have made definitions for the lot or have come up with solutions for everything. The question remains: If man has answers to everything and if man continuously tries to unearth mysteries of the world, then where does that leave room for faith? The act of faith consists in part of believing and trusting fully in something we have no full grasp of. I believe that man’s insistent need to define and give solutions to everything is their way of attempting to control a world that is in reality, merely leased out to them. We all have no right to put any claims in this world, for this is not our permanent home. We cannot say that we completely own what is ours in possession, for we are merely benefiting from little gifts that are parts of the bigger gift of Life. Sad to say, most people in today’s world simply find it hard to settle for things that they cannot define or solve, and their reason for such is a continued attainment of wisdom. The great error in that is that wisdom in man’s eyes is actually mere foolishness in God’s eyes. These men focus too much on making themselves wiser in an earthly sense that they become distant to what is of God and not “of this world”.

There is more cause to lament, for we can see clearly now, how human beings have tampered even with the greatest and most beautiful mystery of all- that which is God. There is a danger in defining who and what God is in simple terms, for we are putting ourselves in the trap of idolatry, in worshipping a God that we have defined for our own purposes and for our own convenience. By trying to “solve” the mystery of God, people have made definitions and pictures of a God that they can relate to, not realizing that in doing such, they are trapping Being in its very essence, and themselves as a result. Man is fully realized and actualized in God. Thus, by trapping God in the deluge of the limited ideas of humanity, man is trapping himself from freely being.

The solution to this problem of “mystery” is really quite simple. To begin with, we must all be fully aware of who we are and what we are capable of with regard to God. At the end of this search, we will realize that who we are and what we are is absolutely incomparable to what God can do and be. Consequently, we must set all our misguided ideas of God free and let God’s mystery be revealed to us through time. The first step would be to admit that we do not know God entirely in his essence and as a result, the quest to know God should be top priority and the first step in getting to know God is to know how he manifested Himself through His Word and His chosen ones.

In this very simple way, we do away with prideful thoughts of ourselves and of this world and are moved to humility and dependence in the realization that we cannot be extricated from knowing God, for it is only in embracing the Mystery to the fullest that we become free in setting out to begin our earthly journey toward Him.

Creating that Balance

Almost three years ago, I was talking casually to my uncle when he noticed a book casually propped on my table. The book, The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, was highly recommended to me by a friend and has since caught the interest of many of my aunts and friends of my mother’s. Far from a self-help book (in fact the opposite of it), it is a beautifully written book about realizing one’s purpose according to how it was originally planned by God. It offers day to day readings, biblical quotations, points for reflection, and the like. When my uncle asked me why I was “into” books like that, I launched into the story of my renewed faith, how I came to discover God, and myself in the process. I could see that he was shocked at what I mentioned. He confessed to be “in-between” several self-help books, because he was still trying to find his “purpose” in life. In turn, I said that in my opinion, “self-help is no help at all”. Without recognizing the role of God, and His son Jesus in one’s life, one will always somehow feel lost and confused.

I can tell that my uncle was impressed at the “maturity” that I seemed to embody now. But I honestly did not want him to see that. I told him that it was not about me, not to give me the credit for what I seemed to have become. He then seriously warned me against being a “fanatic” about it, and proceeded to tell me that once upon a time, my family (dad’s side) was caught in a battle of religions. It was between my dad, a devout Catholic who knew exactly what his faith centered on, and another brother of his, who was a full fledged Protestant. They were both so deep into their religions that they were constantly caught in debate. The remaining members of the family watched from the sidelines. In the end, another one of the brothers lamented that religion was actually “breaking up” the family rather than “uniting” it.

My Protestant uncle argued that Catholics don't really read the Bible and therefore base their faith solely on the teachings of the Church and in religion or theology classes. This is one true reality that I see among Catholics- that very few really try to read the Bible in order to understand their faith. Nonetheless, it is not enough to believe in just the Word of God. It is not enough to focus on doctrine and continue reading the bible everyday without practicing the other dimensions of our faith. If the Word of God is “food for the soul”, there is also a need for us to feed others with it, and nourish ourselves with the Word together. There would also be a need for us to glorify that Word, to surrender wholeheartedly to it in prayer and worship. One thing that we have to be aware of is that these dimensions of doctrine (believing), moral (doing) and worship (praying) is not a step by step practice. There is a need for us to be simultaneous in living out these dimensions of our faith because they interact with each other in a very intrinsic manner. That is what would constitute a good balance of one’s faith: letting the three dimensions co-exist and interact with one another.

I personally believe that the Word has shown itself as the light of my world. However I know that it is not enough for me to consume this light on my own. I will have to act according to the direction given off by the light and help light the path of others as well. I also realize that I have to offer myself fully to that light and make myself an instrument of that light. In the end, it doesn't really matter whether one is a Catholic or Protestant, but rather one's personal relationship with God.

Balancing my faith would require me to love, among other things. I believe I am more than ready for that task. As with all the blessings that I have received, I give thanks for the wonderful and extraordinary way I have been tapped by God.

I'm Sorry

Erich Segal's super bestseller LOVE STORY is one of the most memorable books I've ever read. It is simple, poignant, sometimes comic, othertimes bittersweet, but what stuck with me more than 10 years after having read the book was the line "Love means never having to say you're sorry". This was after Jenny and Oliver, the main characters of the book, had a particularly nasty fight which resulted to Oliver's apologizing.

Whether I believe in this or not is another point altogether, but on my own, I prefer to apologize when I know I have done something quite offensive or when I am being particularly impatient and bull headed over something. Somehow, with the words "I'm sorry" begins the process of healing and forgiveness, no matter how serious or senseless the offense was. I know that apologies cannot right certain wrongs, nor can it alter what has already transpired. Therefore if this is the case- what then is the purpose of apologizing? Is it for purely selfish reasons- so that one can rest knowing that he or she has done his or her "role" by apologizing? Or does it carry a much heavier meaning which is not as prominent at the start?

The answer lies in one word and one word only:

PRIDE.

Pride is the source of all conflict in the world. Pride is what caused Adam and Eve to commit the first sin of the human race. Pride has also been recognized by C.S Lewis in his book "Mere Christianity" as the Greatest Sin one can ever commit. I believe that a sincere apology is the conscious recognition of one's pride. It is not at all cowardly to apologize, neither is it demeaning to accept other people's apologies. If anything, it brings us one step closer or one level higher to what we call LOVE.

Grapes for Pruning

Just recently, I was having a conversation with a couple of friends regarding the changes I felt myself going through. All the while, I assumed that the changes were internal, that I was becoming more serious, quieter as a person, my priorities in life were changing. I felt myself withdrawing from certain aspects of my life which I considered quite unfruitful and unproductive. I have since mellowed from the previous impulsive and active Kath, though up to this day, I can still be quite impulsive and emotional when called for. I kept emphasizing how much I’ve changed. How much I’ve grown, but failed to realize I was committing a grave error in admitting this. I kept using the word I and ME, looking at the changes from an internal point of view- that I almost missed the whole point of it all.

None of these are about me.

It is a humbling realization I admit, a bit sore on my ego centered pride, but very sensible in its simplicity. It is not me as a person that changed primarily. It was my direction that changed when I made that conscious choice to walk toward God and fall in love with him. Like the Jesuit priest said, my falling in love with God, decided everything- my priorities, my desires, my personality as well as my emotions and impulses. In short, metaphorically speaking, I became a grape, ready for pruning.

Biblical narrations are abundant and loose in their allusions to “vineyards”, “vines”, “grapes” and “wine”. In the Old Testament particularly, there are several references made to vineyards. In fact, Jesus’ first miracle at the Wedding in Cana was to transform 12 jugs of water into wine. As usual, my literarily analytical mind cannot help but put my two cents worth into the metaphors of the vineyards and wine, and their possible allusion to man per se.

We were initially created as “grape seeds”, sown into the fertile vineyards when we were thrust into the world. With the proper care and nurture, the seeds grow into plants and bear fruit. As with the real vineyards, some seeds not nurtured properly eventually end up dying without any chances of growing. People who continually reject God and refuse to respond to His love end up becoming like the seeds that never really grow. In time and with the proper care and nurture, the plants bear fruit in form of grapes. Most people, Christians too, believe that they become actualized as they bear fruit in form of grapes. Most stop at this level and eventually fall off the branches and onto the ground. The question that needs to be asked is this: Does man really become actualized as he becomes a “grape”? Is it enough for man to stop at a certain stage of his relationship with God?

The answer to both questions, is a sound and resolute NO. No, it is not enough to actualize oneself as a “grape”, because we forget that the end of the seed is not realized in the grape (fruit) it bears. We forget that the grape seeds continue to “actualize” their worth after they bear fruit because they are actualized not in the form of the fruit, but in the wine the fruit will continue to produce. Just as grapes require pruning before they are harvested to make wine, so does man need to translate his faith into action and worship. In the course of growing and pruning grapes from its initially being sown as seeds, many factors contribute to the stunted growth of the seeds. Typhoons, erosion and improper tending tend to cause a lot of the seeds to cease growing. Only the tough ones actually grow into a plant that will later on bear fruit, and even as a fruit, these grapes are pruned and harvested and later on made into wine for drinking.

The decision is ours, do we want to remain “grapes” forever? Or do we further submit ourselves to be pruned, harvested and made into wine? Admittedly, becoming a grape forever is the easier road to take. It does not require too much commitment. Nor does it call for a renewal of the self through the direction one chooses. However in choosing to remain to be a grape, man is prematurely actualized. I don’t think it is even sufficient to use the term “actualize” because as a grape, man has yet to reach out fully to God in love. On the other hand, the road that leads to pruning, harvesting and transformation into wine is a road that requires a wholehearted commitment, and a total surrender to God. Thus, it is a road less traveled by man, due to the complex intricacies it presents to the man consumed with the “here and now”.

Sad to say, very few actually make the choice to offer themselves to become grapes for pruning, very few aspire to reach out for the ultimate truth about ourselves as human beings, that at the end of it all, we really are nothing without God. At that point of realization, we are overwhelmed at the discovery that we are who we are because of grace. We are graced beings sent into the world of bodies to become instruments of that grace. Our souls were created as a result of that grace, and as far as eternity is concerned, we never really die. Time, like most of the things here on earth, is a human construct, an element created to supplement the material world. In death, our bodies decompose, but our souls live on simply because we are inextricably bound to God.

At the end of this all, I know what I am, and what I want to be. With all my heart, I can say that I am a grape for pruning, and I’m more than willing and ready to take it from there.

MUNICH

Last night, I watched the movie Munich with my siblings. I came out of the theatre deeply disturbed, touched and so full of questions.

Munich is a movie that narrates the series of events in 1972 following the murders of the entire Israeli contingent of the Munich Olympics by erring Palestinians. A young patriot, Avner is called in by the Israeli Government to be the leader of a group of men tasked to assasinate 11 Palestinians hiding in Europe who were considered to have had very important roles in the killing of Israelis. He succeeds killing 7 of them and loses 3 of his own men in the process. He leaves Israel with his family and moves to Brooklyn, a changed man. He is haunted by the Munich incident and how being an assasin has toyed with his morality and sanity. In the end, the movie ends in a park in Brooklyn overlooking the Hudson River, with a clear view of the United Nations facility in the background. How symbolic.

The complexity of my emotions bothers me. The movie was not meant to be an escapist movie. It was also not a mere historical account as well. It was real. 1972 and 2006 are not so different after all. There has yet to be a resolution with the Israel-Palestine conflict and the Palestines are still in search for that land and country to call their own.

Political Science taught us all that a nation consists of the people and territory. But beyond all this I realized last night that a nation has to have a common ideology, values, beliefs and a deep sense of pride in who they are. In the movie, it was portrayed that the Palestinians were such people with such values, but without a place they could come "home" to.

Home, as I like to tell people, is where the heart is. The world expands more and more, there are thousands migrants and OCWs in our midst today. Do we lose a home when we leave our roots and gain another one at our destination? Or are our roots and destinations one and the same?

I stand corrected. Home, is not simply where the heart is, but where the soul's telos (orientation) is. Our souls begins and ends with God. Therefore in this world, we are merely tenants and landlords, for all this is temporary. How sad and ironic that in the Bible, the Israelites were God's chosen people, whom he led out of slavery into the Promised Land.

Nonetheless, I believe this is all part of a plan.

God's plan, and His alone.

The REAL Commitment

The story of Creation shows how man is inextricably bound to God. We were created in God’s image and likeness, He who is the Infinite Good and whom no one can come close to. Through the process of Creation, God graced us with the gift of life. As sons and daughters of God, we are therefore asked to respond through our faith. Easier said than done is what a lot of people would ordinarily say. In my preliminary reading of Genesis, I came upon the account of Sodom and Gomorrah and from this simple story derived my own personal realization of committing myself to what is good, ultimately, which is God. In this account, Abraham asked God if he would spare the destruction of the city if he found ten good people. God said he would spare the city for the sake of these people even if the number of the “bad” people would exceed the number of the “good”. Where does my realization come in here?

In a very symbolic manner, I’ve come to believe that the world is one big Sodom and Gomorrah, where sin prostitutes itself for man to take in without realizing that his actions continue to take him further away from God. At the same point of realizing this, I come to realize that the world stands possibly because of the few people committed to the direction of what is “good”. I cannot help but want to commit myself to be one of the few.

Nonetheless, there is another more blatant reason why the world still stands despite its descent into the oblivion of sin. The answer lies in the beautiful completion of God’s love for all of man, when he sent his son Jesus Christ to atone for the sins of mankind. We were redeemed even before we were born, and as an exchange we are only asked to do one thing as a response, which is to commit ourselves to Jesus, in being Christlike.

Of course, this response to a commitment so great can only stem from an initial decision to Love. We recognize that we were beings created by God out of love and in love. God in Himself IS love, and this is the foundation where our faith is built on. Thus, we become beings of love as well as beings in love. A Jesuit priest once said that “nothing is greater than falling in love with God, because once we do, it decides everything.” True enough, because it is only at this state that we become aware of the response and action we will have to undertake to profess this love we feel for God. We respond through our commitment because of our recognition of that love and our realization that we will only be fulfilled as human beings if we reach out to the Source of our being.

I think that this is basically what our life here on Earth is all about: Biblical narrations will always depict the image of a “journey to the Promised Land”. The Promised Land was first given to our first parents Adam and Eve, but was taken away from them when they gave in to sin and temptation. Life is one big journey back to this Promised Land. Our limited time here on Earth gives us the sufficient time and opportunity to travel back to the Father who created that. The end of our material life marks our arrival at the gates of the Promised Land, which can only be found in the realm of the infinite and the eternal, and therefore “out of this world”.

To my delight, and awe, my discovery of these things has made me more at peace with myself and the world around me. No longer do I seek aimlessly for my purpose in this world, because I know I was created to fulfill a personal purpose which only God mapped out for me. A sense of calmness overwhelms me and there is lightness in the gait of my walk… Because I know I’m taking a walk with Jesus as my guide and inspiration, walking toward the direction of God.

Why Write?

One of my dreams in life is to be able to have published a book in the course of my lifetime. I am not saying that these loose writings of mine will be published, unless I am confident enough about the validity and sense of which I am writing of will be capable of touching others.

In the movie Forrest Gump, we saw a point in Forrest’s life where he just started running, for no definite purpose to it or a particular need for it. In a way, my approach to writing these kinds of entries is the same. I felt the urge to write, and feel the need to continue doing so. However, unlike Forrest, I do not see myself stopping 3 years from now because of exhaustion. Unlike Forrest, I feel the need for this because I believe that there is an intrinsic connection between my ability to write and express myself to God’s definitive plan for me.

All my life, I have always found comfort and solitude in using words as an instrument in expressing myself. Be it through mere oral conversation to penning down my thoughts, it had always come easily for me. In these stages of self-discovery, I realized that these moments in my life will perhaps be cornerstones of my faith.

When God created me, He gave me the gift of expression. But it never dawned to me until recently what I am supposed to do with that gift. I thought that I was merely “socially endowed” which made conversing and reaching out so easy for me to do. God also gifted me with the ability to use my pen. In the early days, my pen has seen the conception of poetry, prose and essays that were read and admired by my family and friends. But the pen can also serve as a revolutionary tool, and in this aspect, I believe I am being called to express my faith by writing about it.

More than anything, this is an expression of love. My entries reveal bits and pieces about my personal love story about God. This is written and inspired by love, and my dedication is wrapped around an abominable fear that if I stray, all the love will be taken away from me. This is my love letter to God, an epitaph of my faith, and the continuity of my hopes to be as good a child to God as can possibly be.

May 13, 2003- The Night Love Revealed Itself to Me

As a child, God’s presence in my life was made known to me by my parents. You could say that my “faith” was presented to me in a silver platter and it was something that I was never removed from. At a tender age of 4, I lovingly turned pages of MY FIRST BIBLE which summarized classical stories taken from Genesis, the Exodus, Samuel and the Gospels. After graduating from my first bible, I moved on to other bibles for children and when I was done with those, was presented with my very first “real” bible. I was 10 years old then, and I remember flipping through the pages, feeling proud of my newest acquisition. I carried it around for days, took it with me to school, in the car, everywhere I went. It was a Precious Moments bible, and had cute illustrative pages, and was a rare bible envied by a lot of classmates. As I look back, I see clearly now where I came short.

I never really read it.

My biggest shortcoming then, turned out to be my greatest denial while growing up. I was convinced that I was some sort of a biblical expert. I knew all the significant biblical stories, did well in all my Christian Life Education classes in elementary and high school, and later on got B pluses and A’s in my Theology courses in college. Yet aside from a few verses I had to read for class, as well as the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and John (which were also class assignments), I never really opened the Bible to read, as in REALLY read. Yet I continued to attest to the fact that I was a good Christian. Besides the biblical stories I claimed to know, discussions with my dad (whom in my opinion is the true good Catholic), I was also active in retreats such as the Days with the Lord among others. I was a devout Sunday Massgoer, I knew all the devotions of the Church, as well as her traditional practices which I never failed to be a part of. Everything in my life was perfect. Sure, I had problems and bad experiences, and my ability to bounce out of them proved to me that I was strong because I attributed it to my eternal belief in hope. I was exhilaratingly sailing through clouds. I was perfectly in control.

Little did I know that I was fast tracking toward hitting a hard concrete wall.

I should have seen it coming. After graduation, I went to China and lived there for five months to study Mandarin. But it was also an opportunity for me to reflect upon my life and make decisions about where I was going and what I was going to do with my life. In the haze of the fun I was having at having my own (limited) independence, I felt myself begin to change. I began to think more about my life. Thanks to a prodding friend, I questioned myself more. My decisions, my views on family, relationships, business, and religion were all things which I weighed mentally through the balance scale in my head. I drew emotional strength as an effect of my being alone. I grew calmer and in more control of my (sometimes) wayward emotions. I made drastic changes, such as deciding to work for the family business, dropping the option of taking up a law degree, and even breaking off ties with a guy I was seeing, who I thought could have been a likely choice for a life partner. I came back, adjusted to my “new” life and started paving the way for the career I was about to make for myself.

Then I hit rock bottom.

I knew I was a much different Kath from the time I left for China. I had doubts, established a sort of distance that would enable me to see things in a more objective manner. One day it just dawned on me that I did not have a certain clue of what happiness was, or what made sense and what didn’t. I saw everything I did as meaningless, every potential action or activity a useless cause. I tried to deny myself the pleasure of seeing friends, except for those whom I sought to help me get out of the abyss I managed to slip myself into. This was a situation I brought upon myself. Through the years, I realize that I carelessly weaved whimsical stories and facts about myself which I chose to believe for purposes of self-gratification. They were not completely false, but I see now how ludicrously vain my whims were, for it focused on the “here and now” and not anywhere or anyone else. I felt that the protective veil that had previously covered my eyes and heart from the realities of life and the world were forcibly ripped from me so quick that I had no time to brace myself for it. I was never more scared in my life.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge…”[1]

The first two nights were the worst. I made no sense to anyone, even myself, and had no idea about what was happening to me. A friend repeatedly told me to “read the bible” and I felt that old feeling of denial surface once again. I was ready to defend myself and my “biblical expertise” but then realized that I never really took an effort to open the bible and read out of love and not obligation. It was then that I broke down and realized what an awfully ungrateful child of God I was in rejecting His words, His gift of eternal love and salvation. Calmly, I ended the conversation with my friend, and with a heart filled with fear of rejection (from God), proceeded to do the simplest yet perhaps the most life-changing thing I will ever do.

I opened my bible… and started to read.

I was afraid that after the many chances God gave me in life, he would deny me the answers to the many questions I have in my heart. I was afraid that he would punish me by not gracing me by igniting fire into my cold and dark heart. However as I read, I loosened up and felt the words literally wash through me. From my eyes, to my head until it finally rested- and fed- the growing embers of my heart. A kind of inexplicable joy initially flowed into me, and I was able to figure out the word for it… divine inspiration! I felt tears come then and I felt blessed, and awed, but despite it all I felt sadness seep into me, and I know that this sadness will finally be the beginning of true wisdom for “Sorrow is better than laughter, because when the face is sad, the heart grows wiser.”[2]

[1] Proverbs 1:7
[2] Ecclesiastes 7:3

An Introduction

For those who have been to my (one day old) other blog "Ramblings and Musings of the Kath", you might be surprised as to why I have another blog when I could incorporate all my thoughts in the other one. However, as I thought about it, I felt that since faith was such a strong and serious topic, the overall aura of my other blog wouldn't be that suitable for these kind of discussions..

Anyways, this blog shows another part of me, a part which few of my friends know of. I am posting entries which I have written in the past, and entries which I will be writing in the present and future. Nonetheless, these articles are all written from the bottom of my soul, and describes the journey of my faith and my ultimate discovery of God's love and grace.