May 13, 2003- The Night Love Revealed Itself to Me
As a child, God’s presence in my life was made known to me by my parents. You could say that my “faith” was presented to me in a silver platter and it was something that I was never removed from. At a tender age of 4, I lovingly turned pages of MY FIRST BIBLE which summarized classical stories taken from Genesis, the Exodus, Samuel and the Gospels. After graduating from my first bible, I moved on to other bibles for children and when I was done with those, was presented with my very first “real” bible. I was 10 years old then, and I remember flipping through the pages, feeling proud of my newest acquisition. I carried it around for days, took it with me to school, in the car, everywhere I went. It was a Precious Moments bible, and had cute illustrative pages, and was a rare bible envied by a lot of classmates. As I look back, I see clearly now where I came short.
I never really read it.
My biggest shortcoming then, turned out to be my greatest denial while growing up. I was convinced that I was some sort of a biblical expert. I knew all the significant biblical stories, did well in all my Christian Life Education classes in elementary and high school, and later on got B pluses and A’s in my Theology courses in college. Yet aside from a few verses I had to read for class, as well as the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and John (which were also class assignments), I never really opened the Bible to read, as in REALLY read. Yet I continued to attest to the fact that I was a good Christian. Besides the biblical stories I claimed to know, discussions with my dad (whom in my opinion is the true good Catholic), I was also active in retreats such as the Days with the Lord among others. I was a devout Sunday Massgoer, I knew all the devotions of the Church, as well as her traditional practices which I never failed to be a part of. Everything in my life was perfect. Sure, I had problems and bad experiences, and my ability to bounce out of them proved to me that I was strong because I attributed it to my eternal belief in hope. I was exhilaratingly sailing through clouds. I was perfectly in control.
Little did I know that I was fast tracking toward hitting a hard concrete wall.
I should have seen it coming. After graduation, I went to China and lived there for five months to study Mandarin. But it was also an opportunity for me to reflect upon my life and make decisions about where I was going and what I was going to do with my life. In the haze of the fun I was having at having my own (limited) independence, I felt myself begin to change. I began to think more about my life. Thanks to a prodding friend, I questioned myself more. My decisions, my views on family, relationships, business, and religion were all things which I weighed mentally through the balance scale in my head. I drew emotional strength as an effect of my being alone. I grew calmer and in more control of my (sometimes) wayward emotions. I made drastic changes, such as deciding to work for the family business, dropping the option of taking up a law degree, and even breaking off ties with a guy I was seeing, who I thought could have been a likely choice for a life partner. I came back, adjusted to my “new” life and started paving the way for the career I was about to make for myself.
Then I hit rock bottom.
I knew I was a much different Kath from the time I left for China. I had doubts, established a sort of distance that would enable me to see things in a more objective manner. One day it just dawned on me that I did not have a certain clue of what happiness was, or what made sense and what didn’t. I saw everything I did as meaningless, every potential action or activity a useless cause. I tried to deny myself the pleasure of seeing friends, except for those whom I sought to help me get out of the abyss I managed to slip myself into. This was a situation I brought upon myself. Through the years, I realize that I carelessly weaved whimsical stories and facts about myself which I chose to believe for purposes of self-gratification. They were not completely false, but I see now how ludicrously vain my whims were, for it focused on the “here and now” and not anywhere or anyone else. I felt that the protective veil that had previously covered my eyes and heart from the realities of life and the world were forcibly ripped from me so quick that I had no time to brace myself for it. I was never more scared in my life.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge…”[1]
The first two nights were the worst. I made no sense to anyone, even myself, and had no idea about what was happening to me. A friend repeatedly told me to “read the bible” and I felt that old feeling of denial surface once again. I was ready to defend myself and my “biblical expertise” but then realized that I never really took an effort to open the bible and read out of love and not obligation. It was then that I broke down and realized what an awfully ungrateful child of God I was in rejecting His words, His gift of eternal love and salvation. Calmly, I ended the conversation with my friend, and with a heart filled with fear of rejection (from God), proceeded to do the simplest yet perhaps the most life-changing thing I will ever do.
I opened my bible… and started to read.
I was afraid that after the many chances God gave me in life, he would deny me the answers to the many questions I have in my heart. I was afraid that he would punish me by not gracing me by igniting fire into my cold and dark heart. However as I read, I loosened up and felt the words literally wash through me. From my eyes, to my head until it finally rested- and fed- the growing embers of my heart. A kind of inexplicable joy initially flowed into me, and I was able to figure out the word for it… divine inspiration! I felt tears come then and I felt blessed, and awed, but despite it all I felt sadness seep into me, and I know that this sadness will finally be the beginning of true wisdom for “Sorrow is better than laughter, because when the face is sad, the heart grows wiser.”[2]
[1] Proverbs 1:7
[2] Ecclesiastes 7:3
I never really read it.
My biggest shortcoming then, turned out to be my greatest denial while growing up. I was convinced that I was some sort of a biblical expert. I knew all the significant biblical stories, did well in all my Christian Life Education classes in elementary and high school, and later on got B pluses and A’s in my Theology courses in college. Yet aside from a few verses I had to read for class, as well as the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and John (which were also class assignments), I never really opened the Bible to read, as in REALLY read. Yet I continued to attest to the fact that I was a good Christian. Besides the biblical stories I claimed to know, discussions with my dad (whom in my opinion is the true good Catholic), I was also active in retreats such as the Days with the Lord among others. I was a devout Sunday Massgoer, I knew all the devotions of the Church, as well as her traditional practices which I never failed to be a part of. Everything in my life was perfect. Sure, I had problems and bad experiences, and my ability to bounce out of them proved to me that I was strong because I attributed it to my eternal belief in hope. I was exhilaratingly sailing through clouds. I was perfectly in control.
Little did I know that I was fast tracking toward hitting a hard concrete wall.
I should have seen it coming. After graduation, I went to China and lived there for five months to study Mandarin. But it was also an opportunity for me to reflect upon my life and make decisions about where I was going and what I was going to do with my life. In the haze of the fun I was having at having my own (limited) independence, I felt myself begin to change. I began to think more about my life. Thanks to a prodding friend, I questioned myself more. My decisions, my views on family, relationships, business, and religion were all things which I weighed mentally through the balance scale in my head. I drew emotional strength as an effect of my being alone. I grew calmer and in more control of my (sometimes) wayward emotions. I made drastic changes, such as deciding to work for the family business, dropping the option of taking up a law degree, and even breaking off ties with a guy I was seeing, who I thought could have been a likely choice for a life partner. I came back, adjusted to my “new” life and started paving the way for the career I was about to make for myself.
Then I hit rock bottom.
I knew I was a much different Kath from the time I left for China. I had doubts, established a sort of distance that would enable me to see things in a more objective manner. One day it just dawned on me that I did not have a certain clue of what happiness was, or what made sense and what didn’t. I saw everything I did as meaningless, every potential action or activity a useless cause. I tried to deny myself the pleasure of seeing friends, except for those whom I sought to help me get out of the abyss I managed to slip myself into. This was a situation I brought upon myself. Through the years, I realize that I carelessly weaved whimsical stories and facts about myself which I chose to believe for purposes of self-gratification. They were not completely false, but I see now how ludicrously vain my whims were, for it focused on the “here and now” and not anywhere or anyone else. I felt that the protective veil that had previously covered my eyes and heart from the realities of life and the world were forcibly ripped from me so quick that I had no time to brace myself for it. I was never more scared in my life.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge…”[1]
The first two nights were the worst. I made no sense to anyone, even myself, and had no idea about what was happening to me. A friend repeatedly told me to “read the bible” and I felt that old feeling of denial surface once again. I was ready to defend myself and my “biblical expertise” but then realized that I never really took an effort to open the bible and read out of love and not obligation. It was then that I broke down and realized what an awfully ungrateful child of God I was in rejecting His words, His gift of eternal love and salvation. Calmly, I ended the conversation with my friend, and with a heart filled with fear of rejection (from God), proceeded to do the simplest yet perhaps the most life-changing thing I will ever do.
I opened my bible… and started to read.
I was afraid that after the many chances God gave me in life, he would deny me the answers to the many questions I have in my heart. I was afraid that he would punish me by not gracing me by igniting fire into my cold and dark heart. However as I read, I loosened up and felt the words literally wash through me. From my eyes, to my head until it finally rested- and fed- the growing embers of my heart. A kind of inexplicable joy initially flowed into me, and I was able to figure out the word for it… divine inspiration! I felt tears come then and I felt blessed, and awed, but despite it all I felt sadness seep into me, and I know that this sadness will finally be the beginning of true wisdom for “Sorrow is better than laughter, because when the face is sad, the heart grows wiser.”[2]
[1] Proverbs 1:7
[2] Ecclesiastes 7:3
posted by kath | 4:34 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home