Fight Club

"Freedom is fought for and won, not granted."

My dad once shared with me his really good definition of freedom, and I really believe it. As parents, its very difficult to give a child his or her independence at any age. In my family, its not a matter of whether you are 18, or 21 or even 26. At this age, I still have a lot of things I cannot do (and will never be allowed to do) as long as I am single. Some which are reasonable, and the others, bordering on paranoia (of my parents).

I have tried everything possible to change this system. I've fought, whined, complained, questioned, but still get the same blank answers. Until I realized that my freedom is not solely based on what my parents are giving me (little teaspoonfulls at a time), but rather what I build for myself and work toward.

First step, I need to grow up. I need to remove my rose colored glasses and see the world as it is. I need to curb my needless urges to buy the latest this and buy that and start thinking about putting my earnings toward something that will yield more in the long run. I have to stop living excessively- such as ordering too much food in restaurants, buying 2 pairs of jeans when i only need one, or buying lunches everyday when there are days that I can just bring food to work.

Next step, I need to assess where I am and decide if this is where I want to be. Compared to a lot of people in my generation, I'm lucky that my dad has a business he needs help running, and I'm lucky that it is something that I actually find interesting and challenging and that I don't wake up each day dreading work. I can't do one thing and dream of doing one million things at the same time. I need to focus more and procrastinate less.

Lastly, I think I need to stop worrying about what people say about me and tell me to do and start believing in what I feel and think about myself. If certain people don't like the way I think, look and do things, that should be their problem and not mine. Life is too short for me to be living it according to how other people want it to be.

How funny. These are things that are trivial to a lot of people and certainly not new to me. But this is the first time I'm saying these to myself and actually putting them in writing. Yes yes yes, it is easier said than done. But as I say to my friends around me, it's just a matter of taking baby steps one day at a time. One fight at a time. One goal at a time.

My World

I think I've hit a monstrous slump.

Yes, I know it may just be PMS, but why do I feel as if its more than that? All my life, I've lived according to standards and structures. I had no choice while growing up. I had responsibilities then which were uncommon for people my age. At my early teens, I was doing errands on my own, groceries, house stuff, helping with the kids and the house. I had to do my share of the work, with four younger siblings who were far in age.

I became very obsessed with structures. I planned everything in advance. From the littlest things such as what to wear the next day, to what pages to study for the day, to my route in school (from the caf to the library etc), to roads (I'm an awful backseat driver), what to eat, etc etc. If things didn't go according to the structure I set out for myself, I freaked out and thought that the world would end there and then. In short, I became inflexible, stubborn and a control freak.

That all changed when I went to China. I was free. Nothing dictated my life. I was free to plan my day. I could wake up anytime I wanted and not feel guilty. I was free to decide whether I should make my bed, have breakfast or not, or when to do laundry and housework. I was free, free, free. And boy, did it feel so DAMN good!

But like all good things, that had to end. I was asked to come home after that semester and work for the family business. As an eldest daughter, I felt dutybound. I cancelled my enrollment to Law School, declined a job offer from a prestigious accounting/consulting firm and enrolled in a business school to learn the necessary skills in business which I did not have in college.

As it was, I finished my Masters Degree, started a new branch in my dad's business from scratch, and that was that.

Now, I feel as if I'm floating. It isn't a question on whether I know what I'm doing because I can go on and on explaining and teaching people what it is exactly that I do. It's just that I expected much more for myself. I wanted pressure, deadlines, busy days and a challenging workplace. As the head of the program with my dad as the boss, I don't feel that pressure. Credit it to the fact that our business is based in Mindanao (mine in Cagayan de Oro), the work ethics of people there are annoyingly different. Slowness, idleness and inefficiency, along with the lack of initiative are prevalent among people over there. But you do get the most loyal people in provinces, and that's a proven fact.

So now, I'm just confused. My family is migrating to Canada in the next few years and I just don't want to go with them. I've spent all my life doing what's been expected of me, that save for the few months in China, I never really got to live a life that is mine, and mine alone.

I know that there are some people there who would tell me to count my blessings, because I'm lucky to have what I have. Maybe I'm stupid for questioning it or even rejecting a part of it. But at the end of the day, I would rather be called stupid than living the rest of my life in a state of what-ifs.

There is a conclusion to this totally obscure entry. And that is my resolve to DO MORE, and whine less. Life has spoilt me rotten by giving me most of the things I need to survive. I need to show the world what I can do, from the littlest corners of my room to the deepest crevices of the planet. (if that's even possible- High goals are good anyways right?)

Doctors

During the duration of my dad's operation and stay in the hospital, I was fortunate to have had the chance to talk with the young resident doctors who waited on my dad and who did rounds when the senior doctor/surgeon was not around.

All my life, I've had this misconception that doctors were almost like supernatural beings. They had the "power" which no ordinary man had- The power to heal physical deformities and ailments of man, from his birth to his death. They seemed to possess such confidence that makes us ordinary people find solace and comfort in.

The residents I speak of are no different. They are intelligent, confident, very capable yet very young. These young residents at present should not be taken forgranted, especially by our generation, because these are the doctors who will take over the doctors who were passed on to us by our parents. Our lives and our health, literally will fall into their hands.

The reason I chose to wrote about young doctors was because of my surprising realization that they are ordinary human beings as well. Yesterday at the ER of Cardinal Santos, a couple of my dad's doctors and I were chatting (while waiting for my dad to complete a medical requirement) and somehow the topic turned into business. I was so shocked that these doctors asked me about what I did and asked me for advice about setting up businesses. I eagerly talked and was pleased at how equally eager they responded. I was almost sad to go... I felt as if I made new friends among these doctors who I realized were a mere 4-5 years older than me. I felt their youth, their frustrations, their hopes and dreams. For a split second, I wondered whether they were happy being where they were-

I got my answer minutes later when a bruised and battered man was wheeled into the ER, when the doctors hastily but pleasantly bade us goodbye, as they rushed to attend to him. And when I watched them study CT scans, check the BP/pulse, treat the wounds while calmly conversing with the patient, I realized that they were exactly where they wanted to be.

And you know what? So was I.