My World

I think I've hit a monstrous slump.

Yes, I know it may just be PMS, but why do I feel as if its more than that? All my life, I've lived according to standards and structures. I had no choice while growing up. I had responsibilities then which were uncommon for people my age. At my early teens, I was doing errands on my own, groceries, house stuff, helping with the kids and the house. I had to do my share of the work, with four younger siblings who were far in age.

I became very obsessed with structures. I planned everything in advance. From the littlest things such as what to wear the next day, to what pages to study for the day, to my route in school (from the caf to the library etc), to roads (I'm an awful backseat driver), what to eat, etc etc. If things didn't go according to the structure I set out for myself, I freaked out and thought that the world would end there and then. In short, I became inflexible, stubborn and a control freak.

That all changed when I went to China. I was free. Nothing dictated my life. I was free to plan my day. I could wake up anytime I wanted and not feel guilty. I was free to decide whether I should make my bed, have breakfast or not, or when to do laundry and housework. I was free, free, free. And boy, did it feel so DAMN good!

But like all good things, that had to end. I was asked to come home after that semester and work for the family business. As an eldest daughter, I felt dutybound. I cancelled my enrollment to Law School, declined a job offer from a prestigious accounting/consulting firm and enrolled in a business school to learn the necessary skills in business which I did not have in college.

As it was, I finished my Masters Degree, started a new branch in my dad's business from scratch, and that was that.

Now, I feel as if I'm floating. It isn't a question on whether I know what I'm doing because I can go on and on explaining and teaching people what it is exactly that I do. It's just that I expected much more for myself. I wanted pressure, deadlines, busy days and a challenging workplace. As the head of the program with my dad as the boss, I don't feel that pressure. Credit it to the fact that our business is based in Mindanao (mine in Cagayan de Oro), the work ethics of people there are annoyingly different. Slowness, idleness and inefficiency, along with the lack of initiative are prevalent among people over there. But you do get the most loyal people in provinces, and that's a proven fact.

So now, I'm just confused. My family is migrating to Canada in the next few years and I just don't want to go with them. I've spent all my life doing what's been expected of me, that save for the few months in China, I never really got to live a life that is mine, and mine alone.

I know that there are some people there who would tell me to count my blessings, because I'm lucky to have what I have. Maybe I'm stupid for questioning it or even rejecting a part of it. But at the end of the day, I would rather be called stupid than living the rest of my life in a state of what-ifs.

There is a conclusion to this totally obscure entry. And that is my resolve to DO MORE, and whine less. Life has spoilt me rotten by giving me most of the things I need to survive. I need to show the world what I can do, from the littlest corners of my room to the deepest crevices of the planet. (if that's even possible- High goals are good anyways right?)